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TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!

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TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

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TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER : No, that's wrong

GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

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TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

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TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE : Me!

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TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?

GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;

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TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : (A teacher )

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas
present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long ,he decided
after careful consideration,that a pair of gloves would strike the right
note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair
of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for
herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers, Without checking Ron
sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following
letter:-

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister i would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are
easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought
them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me
and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit
tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, In fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing
them, I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing, Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of
fur showing.

the old ones are still the best Laughing

I LOVE THIS ONE!! Laughing

**BAKED BEANS

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself

"She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans

All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!"

To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 4829 Location: Bucks

all great Dave Very Happy

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. I Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is only fair -given that you are blind-that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No.. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after life.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The
next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
.
.
.
.
.

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, 'but what's growing in your bum?

**************************

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.

Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 4829 Location: Bucks

Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 1142

Joined: 31 Jan 2008 Posts: 315 Location: Portsmouth

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